A few months ago, I saw her picture on a friend's facebook page. Little girl, five years old. Her eyes were so blue, so happy. Her hair was spun from dark blonde sunshine. It was her birthday if I remember right. Everything about her seemed to radiate love and sweetness, and I had never met her. Leah.
I went to school with her aunt, and we weren't close or anything, but when pictures come up on my newsfeed, especially of other people's kids, I look and smile. I post pictures of my own little boys. I went about my business, as we often do.
Then, I heard the news. Soon after her birthday, she started feeling ill, had headaches. She went to the doctor and they mentioned it. The little girl wasn't acting right. The doctor was concerned, and ordered tests.
No one wanted to hear the news, one of the worst words anyone can utter, especially when it comes to a child. Cancer. Brain tumor.
When I heard about it, immediately my heart sank to my toes. There is hope for recovery, there always is. But even so, to imagine everything that precious little girl had to go through broke my heart. I watched my own boys run and play, and sent all the love I could from where I was. What her parents had to be feeling was simply......unimaginable.
They started treatments pretty quickly, the best doctors in the area. She started to improve. Hope swelled. But........cancer is a demon and an unpredictable one at that. Roller coaster rides ensued, ups and downs. She lost her hair from the treatments, grew pale and thin. But she still fought, was still brave. People who didn't even know her learned of her story, came to the fundraisers held for her. Bought little bracelets with her name on it to support her care. People supported the family too, making meals, keeping an eye on her brother, offering comfort when and however they could. But what can you do, what can you say? No parent should ever have to go through this, no child. You just wish for things to be ok, even if you worry that they can't be, and never will be again. I scoured facebook daily for updates, each time hoping for good news.
Recently, things took a turn for the worst. Everything they did just wasn't helping. I can't imagine how that must have felt.
Her new diagnosis was something very few people managed to survive. I cannot remember the exact name, and cannot find it, or else I'd share. I've suddenly misplaced my heart,it's dropped so low.
I've still been reading everyday. Hoping to hear good things. But, today....
Today at about 4:30 AM, Leah gave up her fight with cancer and passed away, with her mom and dad by her side. Even more of her family had been around earlier in the evening, hugs and kisses, I love you's. She died knowing hopefully just how many people loved her. I don't even know what to say, or how to say it right now. I barely knew anything about her, and my heart was touched. Her parents and brother, my heart goes out to them today. There are no words that can express how sorry I am for their loss. I look at my boys and wonder how I'd ever be able to go through such a thing. I hug them a little tighter.
How unfair life is sometimes, to take a beautiful soul away. To have it be a child so young. I know she's not in pain now, not weak, not sick. That's a comfort I guess. I'll keep the family in my thoughts, my heart, my silent prayers. Today is a difficult day, and it will be a long time before they will be anything less than that.
Leah, wherever you are, if there really is a place you go to after life here, I hope you are there in the clouds, dancing on the sunlight, blue eyes shining, wearing the brightest pink ballerina costume ever created. We all love you down here, kid.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The way I grow (plants)
Here's the thing. I garden barefoot. Usually barehanded too, unless I'm working with something more than soil.
I like the connection I have with nature when I do this. Feet and hands touch the Earth, it gives me a feeling of an almost bond with the plants. I know, silly, right. Here's something easier to understand. It creates some zen, some peace in my mind.
I started container gardening first, at my last house. It was in the city, and the house had gardens and beds, but they were taken over by mass amounts of poison ivy, weeds, yew bush stumps, and rocks, amongst which were spaced tulips and roses. I got poison ivy every single time I tried to do more than trim it back ( and sometimes even then), so I contented myself with just keeping it neat enough that we could function. There was thankfully, a lot of blacktop in the back yard, so the kids had somewhere to ride bikes and play with their pool. Needless to say though, we spent a lot of time at parks and playgrounds.
Anyhow, the very first things I planted there were a few pots I kept on the kitchen roof. It was flat, and there was a window that was right there, so it was easy to care for the plants, water them, etc. And, less pests could get at them than if they were on the ground. I started with peppers, carrots, and spinach. The spinach grew wonderfully, but I waited too long to harvest it, so it died. Oops.
Carrots did well, though the conatiner wasn't big enough, the biggest one was just under 4 inches. The few I ate were yummy, but I overcrowded them so there was so many they don't last long out of the ground/pot. I decided carrots were not meant for containers, unless it is a HUGE one. The peppers did well enough given the pot was too small. I got 2-3 two inch peppers, which I used in a dip.
The next year, I thought I'd try again. I did squash, pickling cucumber, and I inherited about 6 little better boy tomato plants from a friend's mom. She'd bought a whole 9 pack but didn't need more than a couple for the topsy turvy thing.
I put the tomatoes two to a pot, thought I had big enough ones, but now I know better. Cucumber was the only thing I got that year- two that were about the size of a really large grape. Tomatoes and squash both flowered (squash even gave me a couple of starting fruit, but they died shortly after forming. So, not a good year.
I was not discouraged. This year, we moved. To a house with a yard and garden the likes of which I've never had before. I didn't have time or a chance to plot out and execute a true veggie garden. So, I started seeds and the ones that grew large enough went right in my new front garden, where there was room. I have cauliflower, cucumbers, lettuce, peppers, broccoli, zucchini, beans, and yes I have tomatoes. Four large plants-(two of which have some little tomatoes on them), one medium whom is called Lazarus because he literally rose from the dead- well I thought the plant was dead and almost gave up on it. I also have a bunch of little cherry tomatoes that are doing so-so, and about 6-8 small to medium ones in a big container.
Things are going much better this year. I have a few tomatoes, I have a zucchini, I have plants I thought for sure would die, but so far only two of four cauliflower have not made it. I've also just transplanted some sweet peas, and two sunflowers, one of which I think might not make it.
I'm still learning, I make a ton of mistakes. I planted a tomato that needed more sun and space early in the season in back of the three who get bigger and produce later. It's not getting enough sun, so the 3-4 fruits on it, might be all that I get if they even ripen fully. Beans and peas like shade, and I tried to keep them in the sun. I did very little soil prep. Etc.
I will be ready next year. I'm planning on picking up a couple of boards, and cutting them into 4-5 foot lengths and building two raised beds. The front garden will be filled in with flowers where there are not already flowers.
I can tell you for sure though, I'll still be gardening barefoot, and when I can, barehanded. The feeling of dirt and grass between my toes brings me back to childhood. I'm still young for now, but sometimes I like feeling like a kid again.
I like the connection I have with nature when I do this. Feet and hands touch the Earth, it gives me a feeling of an almost bond with the plants. I know, silly, right. Here's something easier to understand. It creates some zen, some peace in my mind.
I started container gardening first, at my last house. It was in the city, and the house had gardens and beds, but they were taken over by mass amounts of poison ivy, weeds, yew bush stumps, and rocks, amongst which were spaced tulips and roses. I got poison ivy every single time I tried to do more than trim it back ( and sometimes even then), so I contented myself with just keeping it neat enough that we could function. There was thankfully, a lot of blacktop in the back yard, so the kids had somewhere to ride bikes and play with their pool. Needless to say though, we spent a lot of time at parks and playgrounds.
Anyhow, the very first things I planted there were a few pots I kept on the kitchen roof. It was flat, and there was a window that was right there, so it was easy to care for the plants, water them, etc. And, less pests could get at them than if they were on the ground. I started with peppers, carrots, and spinach. The spinach grew wonderfully, but I waited too long to harvest it, so it died. Oops.
Carrots did well, though the conatiner wasn't big enough, the biggest one was just under 4 inches. The few I ate were yummy, but I overcrowded them so there was so many they don't last long out of the ground/pot. I decided carrots were not meant for containers, unless it is a HUGE one. The peppers did well enough given the pot was too small. I got 2-3 two inch peppers, which I used in a dip.
The next year, I thought I'd try again. I did squash, pickling cucumber, and I inherited about 6 little better boy tomato plants from a friend's mom. She'd bought a whole 9 pack but didn't need more than a couple for the topsy turvy thing.
I put the tomatoes two to a pot, thought I had big enough ones, but now I know better. Cucumber was the only thing I got that year- two that were about the size of a really large grape. Tomatoes and squash both flowered (squash even gave me a couple of starting fruit, but they died shortly after forming. So, not a good year.
I was not discouraged. This year, we moved. To a house with a yard and garden the likes of which I've never had before. I didn't have time or a chance to plot out and execute a true veggie garden. So, I started seeds and the ones that grew large enough went right in my new front garden, where there was room. I have cauliflower, cucumbers, lettuce, peppers, broccoli, zucchini, beans, and yes I have tomatoes. Four large plants-(two of which have some little tomatoes on them), one medium whom is called Lazarus because he literally rose from the dead- well I thought the plant was dead and almost gave up on it. I also have a bunch of little cherry tomatoes that are doing so-so, and about 6-8 small to medium ones in a big container.
Things are going much better this year. I have a few tomatoes, I have a zucchini, I have plants I thought for sure would die, but so far only two of four cauliflower have not made it. I've also just transplanted some sweet peas, and two sunflowers, one of which I think might not make it.
I'm still learning, I make a ton of mistakes. I planted a tomato that needed more sun and space early in the season in back of the three who get bigger and produce later. It's not getting enough sun, so the 3-4 fruits on it, might be all that I get if they even ripen fully. Beans and peas like shade, and I tried to keep them in the sun. I did very little soil prep. Etc.
I will be ready next year. I'm planning on picking up a couple of boards, and cutting them into 4-5 foot lengths and building two raised beds. The front garden will be filled in with flowers where there are not already flowers.
I can tell you for sure though, I'll still be gardening barefoot, and when I can, barehanded. The feeling of dirt and grass between my toes brings me back to childhood. I'm still young for now, but sometimes I like feeling like a kid again.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Outlook on life.
Hey there non-existant followers. (Lol maybe that will change someday)
I just wanted to give you a short update on things. Justin is now on a nasal spray and amox to try to lessen the fluid in his ears. We're due back at the ENT the end of June to see if anything has changed. If not, we'll be discussing surgery to put tubes in. I'm hoping this doctor ( who is absolutely awesome with kids by the way) will allow us to wait until after his birthday. Good news is, since he missed the cut off date, kindergarten won't be until next fall, so he might miss a few days of preschool/daycare, but that's it. I just want my little guy to feel better and be able to hear us. He's come a long way this year since starting daycare two days a week. Wants to learn so much!
Now me. I saw the OB tuesday about the pelvic/backdoor pain. He thinks it's not related to my female parts, and that I should see a GI. Mentioned words like Chron's, IBS, etc. But said since I didn't have most of the typical symptoms it's either not that or we caught it very early on.
It's oddly ironic that my health problems started after I started losing weight and trying to eat and be healthier. Something seriously wrong with that!
So I'll be asking for a referral or scans from my regular doctor when I see her in August. If I have a problem sooner than that, I'll expedite it, but we've got a ton going on. My stuff takes a backburner when and if it can.
I've been trying hard to get more walking in when the weather and allergies cooperate. Yesterday Bren and I got dropped off at Dunkin for breakfast and we walked back home the long way, stopping at a park on the reservoir near us. There was a lovely little sand beach and we sat for about ten minutes, just enjoying the rest and the day. Then we headed home. I'd say about 3 miles or more, the straight way home is 2.
We'll be heading that way again this afternoon, except we'll be walking there, not getting driven, so at least 4-5 miles. There's a Farmer's Market there I'm hoping to check out. My legs will hate me, but it's the best excercise I've found for me. I get bored with things indoors/routines etc. I like the outdoors, you always see something or someone different on the journey. Brendan and I get a lot of bonding time too, which is something hard to get sometimes.
Listing the old house finally this month. Our upstairs tenants did not work out well, and they are moving out this week. We're hoping the right buyer comes along now and takes it. Then the bank will have to approve it. Because of the market- we own a house that we owe more on than the new house we just bought. The old house is in need of repairs, plenty of them, and it isn't worth anywhere near what we still owe. So much for a working real-estate system. Anyhow, we're hoping to sell it fast, since we won't be getting new tenants. We weren't making enough to cover anything anyhow, when we did get both rents. Sigh.
My crochet is going well, working on a special outfit set for twin girls due at the end of summer. They are coming out better than I expected. I need to get back to projects for me/my kids though, I have the drive to make sweaters for the fall if I find the time.
I'm going to be 30 in less than a month. That's kind of exciting/terrifying I guess. I certainly don't feel like I've been around that long. I certainly don't feel different. Not to gripe either, but I don't think my husband will plan anything special. :P
All in all, depite all the crap this year has given us, I feel pretty good. This new place and new town has given me a sense of 'home', something I can't remember ever having at any other place we've lived. The kids have no issues sharing a room for now, and they adore having a yard and place to ride their bikes. It's small, needs a lot of work, a lot more maintenance for the yard and gardens. But it's home and is worth the trials and tribulations.
I just wanted to give you a short update on things. Justin is now on a nasal spray and amox to try to lessen the fluid in his ears. We're due back at the ENT the end of June to see if anything has changed. If not, we'll be discussing surgery to put tubes in. I'm hoping this doctor ( who is absolutely awesome with kids by the way) will allow us to wait until after his birthday. Good news is, since he missed the cut off date, kindergarten won't be until next fall, so he might miss a few days of preschool/daycare, but that's it. I just want my little guy to feel better and be able to hear us. He's come a long way this year since starting daycare two days a week. Wants to learn so much!
Now me. I saw the OB tuesday about the pelvic/backdoor pain. He thinks it's not related to my female parts, and that I should see a GI. Mentioned words like Chron's, IBS, etc. But said since I didn't have most of the typical symptoms it's either not that or we caught it very early on.
It's oddly ironic that my health problems started after I started losing weight and trying to eat and be healthier. Something seriously wrong with that!
So I'll be asking for a referral or scans from my regular doctor when I see her in August. If I have a problem sooner than that, I'll expedite it, but we've got a ton going on. My stuff takes a backburner when and if it can.
I've been trying hard to get more walking in when the weather and allergies cooperate. Yesterday Bren and I got dropped off at Dunkin for breakfast and we walked back home the long way, stopping at a park on the reservoir near us. There was a lovely little sand beach and we sat for about ten minutes, just enjoying the rest and the day. Then we headed home. I'd say about 3 miles or more, the straight way home is 2.
We'll be heading that way again this afternoon, except we'll be walking there, not getting driven, so at least 4-5 miles. There's a Farmer's Market there I'm hoping to check out. My legs will hate me, but it's the best excercise I've found for me. I get bored with things indoors/routines etc. I like the outdoors, you always see something or someone different on the journey. Brendan and I get a lot of bonding time too, which is something hard to get sometimes.
Listing the old house finally this month. Our upstairs tenants did not work out well, and they are moving out this week. We're hoping the right buyer comes along now and takes it. Then the bank will have to approve it. Because of the market- we own a house that we owe more on than the new house we just bought. The old house is in need of repairs, plenty of them, and it isn't worth anywhere near what we still owe. So much for a working real-estate system. Anyhow, we're hoping to sell it fast, since we won't be getting new tenants. We weren't making enough to cover anything anyhow, when we did get both rents. Sigh.
My crochet is going well, working on a special outfit set for twin girls due at the end of summer. They are coming out better than I expected. I need to get back to projects for me/my kids though, I have the drive to make sweaters for the fall if I find the time.
I'm going to be 30 in less than a month. That's kind of exciting/terrifying I guess. I certainly don't feel like I've been around that long. I certainly don't feel different. Not to gripe either, but I don't think my husband will plan anything special. :P
All in all, depite all the crap this year has given us, I feel pretty good. This new place and new town has given me a sense of 'home', something I can't remember ever having at any other place we've lived. The kids have no issues sharing a room for now, and they adore having a yard and place to ride their bikes. It's small, needs a lot of work, a lot more maintenance for the yard and gardens. But it's home and is worth the trials and tribulations.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Still Here
I'm back. I wasn't really gone, just for no good reason I haven't felt like blogging. However, with the new addition of more outlets for my creativity, and seeing a few friends beginning blogs of their own or rekindling the dormant ones, I'm feeling inspired.
Working on my garden, and lots of new projects. It's what you do when you can neither be lucky enough to have many friends who live close or have the time to hang out socially, and when you have kids/limited transport to visit people.
I've learned to be cautious in whom I trust. I had the world pulled out from under me recently (and still am) by someone I have known since I was a toddler. She became my tenant, and all I will say on it is- we both expected the other one to do things that did not happen. I expected the person to pay rent regualrly and in full, and they expected when they refused/were unable that we wouldn't have to evict. Sigh. Don't rent to friends, it ends the friendship more often than not, and people get hurt. I cannot believe that over 25 years of friendship is over. The worst of it is, it's not over yet. Sigh. I love the family, but truth is, we can't afford this and it's not the first problem either.
This is just hurtful and you feel guilty even though you did what you had to do to protect your own life and family.
Hmmn, on to pretty things. My garden is going well. Got some plants from a community plant sale a few weeks ago and those are in, along with what I managed to start from seeds. Maybe soon I'll have some zucchini, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, and cauliflower? I also have some pepper plants to get in. Here is hoping something comes of it. :)
My boys are great, growing so very much and by the day! I can't beleive Justin will be five this year and Brendan will turn three. Part of me longs for another baby someday, while another part is just so content with what we have. Our boys are pretty well behaved and have good manners, too. Justin is going to an ENT on Wednesday to discuss our options. Most likely he will need tubes to improve his hearing. Brendan's pulminary/reflux issues seem to have fixed themselves, which is comforting. We have bills a plenty already.
I'm going in the morning to my OB for a routine check but also to discuss the pelvic/bowel pain I've been having lately. My reg. doc thinks Endometriosis, but the test haven't shown it. The only 100% sure way to know I think will be surgery, either a biopsy or exploratory. Not really thinking I will opt for that, unless I have to. Nervous, but this doctor is amazing, and I'm hoping some answer or idea comes from it.
My crafting is going well. Been using a lot of what I had stashed away at the moment, to try and save money and use up yarn so I don't pack-rat it. :) I just made myself a shawl and am working on a very special baby gift for twin girls.
Will and I are still doing fine and going strong. I'm lucky to have him, and he's lucky to have me. We rarely fight, and lately when we do it's been about our tenant issues, not anything at home. We're out of options and need to sell that house as a short sale now. It will be better for us to not have that additional debt to give us a reason to bicker. All in all, things are going alright at the moment, and I'm hopeful they continue to improve.
I'll be trying to blog a bit more often, not because anyone reads this, but because it reminds me that I have a place to just write what I feel and read it later.
See ya soon I hope.
Working on my garden, and lots of new projects. It's what you do when you can neither be lucky enough to have many friends who live close or have the time to hang out socially, and when you have kids/limited transport to visit people.
I've learned to be cautious in whom I trust. I had the world pulled out from under me recently (and still am) by someone I have known since I was a toddler. She became my tenant, and all I will say on it is- we both expected the other one to do things that did not happen. I expected the person to pay rent regualrly and in full, and they expected when they refused/were unable that we wouldn't have to evict. Sigh. Don't rent to friends, it ends the friendship more often than not, and people get hurt. I cannot believe that over 25 years of friendship is over. The worst of it is, it's not over yet. Sigh. I love the family, but truth is, we can't afford this and it's not the first problem either.
This is just hurtful and you feel guilty even though you did what you had to do to protect your own life and family.
Hmmn, on to pretty things. My garden is going well. Got some plants from a community plant sale a few weeks ago and those are in, along with what I managed to start from seeds. Maybe soon I'll have some zucchini, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, and cauliflower? I also have some pepper plants to get in. Here is hoping something comes of it. :)
My boys are great, growing so very much and by the day! I can't beleive Justin will be five this year and Brendan will turn three. Part of me longs for another baby someday, while another part is just so content with what we have. Our boys are pretty well behaved and have good manners, too. Justin is going to an ENT on Wednesday to discuss our options. Most likely he will need tubes to improve his hearing. Brendan's pulminary/reflux issues seem to have fixed themselves, which is comforting. We have bills a plenty already.
I'm going in the morning to my OB for a routine check but also to discuss the pelvic/bowel pain I've been having lately. My reg. doc thinks Endometriosis, but the test haven't shown it. The only 100% sure way to know I think will be surgery, either a biopsy or exploratory. Not really thinking I will opt for that, unless I have to. Nervous, but this doctor is amazing, and I'm hoping some answer or idea comes from it.
My crafting is going well. Been using a lot of what I had stashed away at the moment, to try and save money and use up yarn so I don't pack-rat it. :) I just made myself a shawl and am working on a very special baby gift for twin girls.
Will and I are still doing fine and going strong. I'm lucky to have him, and he's lucky to have me. We rarely fight, and lately when we do it's been about our tenant issues, not anything at home. We're out of options and need to sell that house as a short sale now. It will be better for us to not have that additional debt to give us a reason to bicker. All in all, things are going alright at the moment, and I'm hopeful they continue to improve.
I'll be trying to blog a bit more often, not because anyone reads this, but because it reminds me that I have a place to just write what I feel and read it later.
See ya soon I hope.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
An Update
Not that I have any readers really yet. But I just read a new blog a friend started, and it inspired me to write in here again.
I've been in a real slump lately. Not physically, or anything like that. Been excercising, eating well, drinking water almost esclusively. Since April, I've dropped nearly 20 pounds. My crafting is also going well. That should make me happy. Right?
Well, my slump is a mental/mood one. I'm putting up a good front I guess, pulling through what I need to do with a smile and such. But I'm down, and I can't entirely decide on which reason it is this time. There's usally some underlying cause.
It could be that I don't drive yet, but that is something I plan to remedy this next month or at least start on the path.
It would help, I think. To be able to just grab the keys and go someplace a little further than my two feet are capable of taking me. Which is fairly far when I set my mind to it, but not places I need to get to.
I'm nearly 30, two kids. I want another one. My husband isn't so sure, but I'm hoping to convince him.
Things are going alright between us, but we live two different lives sometimes. I am home, alone all day with the kids, while he works. He doesn't get that I just need someone to relate to and talk to at the end of the day, which can be frustrating I think to usd both. He just wants to relax, and I'm just looking for a friend or a 'peer'.
I'm socially awkward often enough on a regular basis. I always feel paranoid that I don't really belong whenever I am with friends. Now that I don't have co-workers and only limited friends to socialize with, things are becoming more noticeable to me. My anxieties and compulsions are still kept at bay, but it's a conscious effort now rather than unconscious.
My boys. I love them so. It's tough having kids though, right now I'm worried for their own social skills. We only know two people with kids their age or thereabouts, and we rarely see eachother due to schedules and such. SO my boys have no playmates. I feel like a bad mother because I have no one to do playdates with.
I did try. There's a playground down the street, when the weather isn't too hot, it's a 15-20 minute walk so we did it often in the Spring.
I can't relate to those women and men. Almost everyone is always talking custody battles, court dates,fights, or are smoking and chatting on a cell phone while helping their little one down a slide or pushing a swing. One dad, on two or three occasions let his two boys play while he sat out in his car, blaring music and not really even looking their way.
How am I suppossed to make new friends when this is what I see? I'm not trying to talk down to anyone. Or look down my nose. But.......I can't even get into talking to you if I can't stand your parenting skills.
Most of my friends have sworn off having children. I don't know how I managed to find so many who don't. It's not their problem that I want friends for my kids of course. It just makes this that much tougher. My parents spaced their kids out too, so that also makes finding playmates in future nieces and nephews unlikely.
I just feel they are missing out on something, and I'm not sure what else to do about it. Maybe when I drive we can find something, someway. I'm trying to find Justin a preschool for fall and my husband has been little to no help, even though there's a daycare right by his office, 2.5 miles from the house.
So yeah, that's all weighing on me right now, among other things. I just feel a little bit lost and out of place. Lonely for someone to go to parks with the kids with, to compare and share stories of the funny things kids do. Lonely for someone to just go out with me, hang out with me. Be a friend, confidant. I'd give them all of that right back too. I'm not saying I don't have friends. Not a bit, and I love the ones I have. I just see them only so often, and it's not enough I think.
Sigh. Why is this so hard once school is done? I want to cry, but I'm old enough to wonder if it's just silly and I know it won't do a bit of good.
I've been in a real slump lately. Not physically, or anything like that. Been excercising, eating well, drinking water almost esclusively. Since April, I've dropped nearly 20 pounds. My crafting is also going well. That should make me happy. Right?
Well, my slump is a mental/mood one. I'm putting up a good front I guess, pulling through what I need to do with a smile and such. But I'm down, and I can't entirely decide on which reason it is this time. There's usally some underlying cause.
It could be that I don't drive yet, but that is something I plan to remedy this next month or at least start on the path.
It would help, I think. To be able to just grab the keys and go someplace a little further than my two feet are capable of taking me. Which is fairly far when I set my mind to it, but not places I need to get to.
I'm nearly 30, two kids. I want another one. My husband isn't so sure, but I'm hoping to convince him.
Things are going alright between us, but we live two different lives sometimes. I am home, alone all day with the kids, while he works. He doesn't get that I just need someone to relate to and talk to at the end of the day, which can be frustrating I think to usd both. He just wants to relax, and I'm just looking for a friend or a 'peer'.
I'm socially awkward often enough on a regular basis. I always feel paranoid that I don't really belong whenever I am with friends. Now that I don't have co-workers and only limited friends to socialize with, things are becoming more noticeable to me. My anxieties and compulsions are still kept at bay, but it's a conscious effort now rather than unconscious.
My boys. I love them so. It's tough having kids though, right now I'm worried for their own social skills. We only know two people with kids their age or thereabouts, and we rarely see eachother due to schedules and such. SO my boys have no playmates. I feel like a bad mother because I have no one to do playdates with.
I did try. There's a playground down the street, when the weather isn't too hot, it's a 15-20 minute walk so we did it often in the Spring.
I can't relate to those women and men. Almost everyone is always talking custody battles, court dates,fights, or are smoking and chatting on a cell phone while helping their little one down a slide or pushing a swing. One dad, on two or three occasions let his two boys play while he sat out in his car, blaring music and not really even looking their way.
How am I suppossed to make new friends when this is what I see? I'm not trying to talk down to anyone. Or look down my nose. But.......I can't even get into talking to you if I can't stand your parenting skills.
Most of my friends have sworn off having children. I don't know how I managed to find so many who don't. It's not their problem that I want friends for my kids of course. It just makes this that much tougher. My parents spaced their kids out too, so that also makes finding playmates in future nieces and nephews unlikely.
I just feel they are missing out on something, and I'm not sure what else to do about it. Maybe when I drive we can find something, someway. I'm trying to find Justin a preschool for fall and my husband has been little to no help, even though there's a daycare right by his office, 2.5 miles from the house.
So yeah, that's all weighing on me right now, among other things. I just feel a little bit lost and out of place. Lonely for someone to go to parks with the kids with, to compare and share stories of the funny things kids do. Lonely for someone to just go out with me, hang out with me. Be a friend, confidant. I'd give them all of that right back too. I'm not saying I don't have friends. Not a bit, and I love the ones I have. I just see them only so often, and it's not enough I think.
Sigh. Why is this so hard once school is done? I want to cry, but I'm old enough to wonder if it's just silly and I know it won't do a bit of good.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Clearing up again...
It rained Monday night and kept right on going through Tuesday. Woke up to the sun today but it's clouding up again on and off. Justin asked me "Mommy is it raining?" I said "Nope."
"Is it sunny?"
"Yeah kind of."
"Can we go to the playground then?"
Lol, of course he remembered what I said about how we couldn't go until the sun came out! Today isn;t rainy but it's chilly and windy, and with all the rain yesterday, much of the playground will be wet and muddy. Hard to explain that to a 3 1/2 year old though...
In other news, got new ink Saturday with my sister. It came out great, but healing it has been a mild inconvenience. The bonding experience was worth it though. It is a celtic Tree of Life, with curly knotwork and green leaves. I had to make the leaves green, I wanted the life idea to shine through. In honor of my family, and in honor of spring!
In crafting news, I have yarn for a sweater but can't seem to get started. I am getting hung up on picking a design. Recently finished are a pair of amigurumi dragon babies, a headscarf, and a baby blanket, though I need to weave in the ends on that. Still counting it though! I also need to get a blanket done as a surprise for my brother, but it's daunting. Tedious.
Trying to organize another craft night for my friends soon, and am so looking forward to the Rhode Island Fiber Festival. Missed it last year, and this is it's fourth year so it's going to be new and exciting.
Hmmn......what else? I want to work on getting the office/craft space tidied up and organized, but currently there is a sink and vanity in there thwarting my intentions. Hopefully someday soon Will gets done what he needs to so he and Bill can finish the bathroom up and give me that space back! That's all for now.
"Is it sunny?"
"Yeah kind of."
"Can we go to the playground then?"
Lol, of course he remembered what I said about how we couldn't go until the sun came out! Today isn;t rainy but it's chilly and windy, and with all the rain yesterday, much of the playground will be wet and muddy. Hard to explain that to a 3 1/2 year old though...
In other news, got new ink Saturday with my sister. It came out great, but healing it has been a mild inconvenience. The bonding experience was worth it though. It is a celtic Tree of Life, with curly knotwork and green leaves. I had to make the leaves green, I wanted the life idea to shine through. In honor of my family, and in honor of spring!
In crafting news, I have yarn for a sweater but can't seem to get started. I am getting hung up on picking a design. Recently finished are a pair of amigurumi dragon babies, a headscarf, and a baby blanket, though I need to weave in the ends on that. Still counting it though! I also need to get a blanket done as a surprise for my brother, but it's daunting. Tedious.
Trying to organize another craft night for my friends soon, and am so looking forward to the Rhode Island Fiber Festival. Missed it last year, and this is it's fourth year so it's going to be new and exciting.
Hmmn......what else? I want to work on getting the office/craft space tidied up and organized, but currently there is a sink and vanity in there thwarting my intentions. Hopefully someday soon Will gets done what he needs to so he and Bill can finish the bathroom up and give me that space back! That's all for now.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Come on Spring!
Ok, it's getting warmer out, light jackets instead of winter coats, and sadly soon I will have to put away my pretty clapochet scarf, and the one a friend knitted me.
But..........sunlight.......warmth, irises and other bulbous plants rising out from the ground, pushing life and green things to the surface!
The boys and I have already been to the playground down the street, it says town residents only, but we are literally a stones throw from the town line. So.......we hop the fence darn it!
Anyhow, not a lot going on, finished my first garments that aren't hats or slippers. Two, nearly three baby sweaters are now complete and I find them really fun. I'm gearing up to tackle my first sweater in my size, so wish me luck.
Once I do that, I want to work on knitting. I'm desperate to learn but for some reason it just seems to daunting. Maybe only using one stick/hook has spoiled me, but I plan to break the stigma and go on. I had a recent encouragement from a male knitter who is having a shawl giveaway, saying I should give the pattern a try, that he was new to knitting and it wasn't too tricky. I am going to give it a try after the sweater!
I can do it. I have a vision of a happy robin egg blue or darker shawl.
I also am taking my little sister to get her first tattoo next weekend. I'm getting one too, my second ever. I am planning on something special, a drawing I found online and modified it.
Another thing I want to work on isn't craft related. I need my liscence. I'm way past the age you can get one, so I need to buck up and go for it too. My firstborn was recently taken by ambulance to the ER from our doctor and it's situations like that which are inspiring to do it. (He's fine, thankfully was just having troubloe breating and has pretty much been disagnosed with asthma, just like mommy......woohoo).
So, on to spring, season of life, cleaning, and getting things all around in order.
But..........sunlight.......warmth, irises and other bulbous plants rising out from the ground, pushing life and green things to the surface!
The boys and I have already been to the playground down the street, it says town residents only, but we are literally a stones throw from the town line. So.......we hop the fence darn it!
Anyhow, not a lot going on, finished my first garments that aren't hats or slippers. Two, nearly three baby sweaters are now complete and I find them really fun. I'm gearing up to tackle my first sweater in my size, so wish me luck.
Once I do that, I want to work on knitting. I'm desperate to learn but for some reason it just seems to daunting. Maybe only using one stick/hook has spoiled me, but I plan to break the stigma and go on. I had a recent encouragement from a male knitter who is having a shawl giveaway, saying I should give the pattern a try, that he was new to knitting and it wasn't too tricky. I am going to give it a try after the sweater!
I can do it. I have a vision of a happy robin egg blue or darker shawl.
I also am taking my little sister to get her first tattoo next weekend. I'm getting one too, my second ever. I am planning on something special, a drawing I found online and modified it.
Another thing I want to work on isn't craft related. I need my liscence. I'm way past the age you can get one, so I need to buck up and go for it too. My firstborn was recently taken by ambulance to the ER from our doctor and it's situations like that which are inspiring to do it. (He's fine, thankfully was just having troubloe breating and has pretty much been disagnosed with asthma, just like mommy......woohoo).
So, on to spring, season of life, cleaning, and getting things all around in order.
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