Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An Update

Not that I have any readers really yet. But I just read a new blog a friend started, and it inspired me to write in here again.

I've been in a real slump lately. Not physically, or anything like that. Been excercising, eating well, drinking water almost esclusively. Since April, I've dropped nearly 20 pounds. My crafting is also going well. That should make me happy. Right?

Well, my slump is a mental/mood one. I'm putting up a good front I guess, pulling through what I need to do with a smile and such. But I'm down, and I can't entirely decide on which reason it is this time. There's usally some underlying cause.

It could be that I don't drive yet, but that is something I plan to remedy this next month or at least start on the path.
It would help, I think. To be able to just grab the keys and go someplace a little further than my two feet are capable of taking me. Which is fairly far when I set my mind to it, but not places I need to get to.

I'm nearly 30, two kids. I want another one. My husband isn't so sure, but I'm hoping to convince him.

Things are going alright between us, but we live two different lives sometimes. I am home, alone all day with the kids, while he works. He doesn't get that I just need someone to relate to and talk to at the end of the day, which can be frustrating I think to usd both. He just wants to relax, and I'm just looking for a friend or a 'peer'.

I'm socially awkward often enough on a regular basis. I always feel paranoid that I don't really belong whenever I am with friends. Now that I don't have co-workers and only limited friends to socialize with, things are becoming more noticeable to me. My anxieties and compulsions are still kept at bay, but it's a conscious effort now rather than unconscious.

My boys. I love them so. It's tough having kids though, right now I'm worried for their own social skills. We only know two people with kids their age or thereabouts, and we rarely see eachother due to schedules and such. SO my boys have no playmates. I feel like a bad mother because I have no one to do playdates with.
I did try. There's a playground down the street, when the weather isn't too hot, it's a 15-20 minute walk so we did it often in the Spring.
I can't relate to those women and men. Almost everyone is always talking custody battles, court dates,fights, or are smoking and chatting on a cell phone while helping their little one down a slide or pushing a swing. One dad, on two or three occasions let his two boys play while he sat out in his car, blaring music and not really even looking their way.

How am I suppossed to make new friends when this is what I see? I'm not trying to talk down to anyone. Or look down my nose. But.......I can't even get into talking to you if I can't stand your parenting skills.

Most of my friends have sworn off having children. I don't know how I managed to find so many who don't. It's not their problem that I want friends for my kids of course. It just makes this that much tougher. My parents spaced their kids out too, so that also makes finding playmates in future nieces and nephews unlikely.

I just feel they are missing out on something, and I'm not sure what else to do about it. Maybe when I drive we can find something, someway. I'm trying to find Justin a preschool for fall and my husband has been little to no help, even though there's a daycare right by his office, 2.5 miles from the house.

So yeah, that's all weighing on me right now, among other things. I just feel a little bit lost and out of place. Lonely for someone to go to parks with the kids with, to compare and share stories of the funny things kids do. Lonely for someone to just go out with me, hang out with me. Be a friend, confidant. I'd give them all of that right back too. I'm not saying I don't have friends. Not a bit, and I love the ones I have. I just see them only so often, and it's not enough I think.

Sigh. Why is this so hard once school is done? I want to cry, but I'm old enough to wonder if it's just silly and I know it won't do a bit of good.

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