Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Skip this if you don't want to go to a Pity party.

I find myself wondering lately what might be a universal question, or at least one that strikes many at different parts of their lives. Now that winter is here and instead of long walks to parks to play with my kids or to run errands, I'm sitting here, staring at a computer screen off and on during the day, reminded of how much life is passing me by now.

Who am I, who have I become?

I used to know (or at least think I knew)who I was. Lately, I'm struggling to find myself.

In a world where I used to have friends calling on the phone, making plans with me, getting together all the time, there is now almost entirely silence. The only close friend I had that has had children, well, we made mistakes she essentially screwed me over and erased me from her life.

What have I done to make everyone turn away from me, to disregard me as anyone worthy spending time with? It hurts, and since this is a personal blog, I don't care if anyone gets hurt by seeing what I am feeling. It might not apply to you, after all.

I had children. I am in a loving relationship with my husband. I love them with all of my heart. They are currently about 90% of my social circle. My parents come and visit at least once or twice a month which helps, but it's not the same as friends. I have one friend bless her, who does what she can to visit about every other month. She's a great treasure, and I can only hope she knows it.
I do understand that this sort of thing happens, but it doesn't mean I was at all prepared for it. You never are, because you think- well sure some people might drift away, but these are my friends, these are people who have stuck by me for years, surely we can get over this bump in the road? I believed it too. But it seems like it happened despite my fierce hope that I could fight to keep my friends, that we wouldn't grow apart. We did.

We became different people somehow. I guess I've changed even if I hadn't felt it. I had kids and a family; many of them are not having children at all, and maybe they can't relate to me the same way and no longer know how to do so?

I'm not blameless, and don't think for a minute I'm trying to be. But I feel like I tried to spend time with my friends, I made an effort to show them I did care, very much.

I'm making changes in my life this year because I simply have to. Justin is starting kindergarten and I will need to drive. I wonder if not having a car for so long played a role back then. I wish it didn't, after all I was the first one to dig deep for gas money for those who made the effort, but I guess it was too much of a hassle in time. When I do get my liscence and a vehicle, it won't make a terrible lot of difference socially, as the calls and emails simply no longer come. I'm also left slightly bitter. Does anyone deserve me at my best if they stayed away or turned their backs when I am at my worst, in need of friendship? The answer is not as easy as I used to think.

My mom used to cry when we were growing up. I remember her doing it silently in a corner, hoping we didn't notice, that we didn't see. I didn't understand then. I worry now that I am finally beginning to see just what sort of sacrifices are made when you make a life changing decision. Having children, moving a great distance, taking a job in an entirely new field, confessing a secret that shatters perceptions others have had of you. I'm not crying much yet, but to say I haven't been sad is a lie. Or else I'd not be writing this.

All of these and more can make people you thought cared about you, that you thought for certain would always be there, drop off as if there was an aura of 'friend-repellant' surrounding you. It sucks, and even though you try to keep your head up and say you don't need people like that in your life, it hurts. Cuts deep enough to leave scars in your soul that don't heal. Because yes, you don't need people in your life who aren't supportive, who don't value you and what you are.
But if that leaves you with big empty holes in your being, pain goes right on through and into your heart.

For the precious few who still make time for me and care to listen, this is not for you. There are still some who try. I'm sure that there will be people I talk to in the future who I may make connections with. But starting over hardly seems like something anyone deserves. I'm 30 now, and meeting new people is not something I handle very well. I have anxieties now, I do not deal well with sudden changes. I feel like a recluse.
Mom is my job and most of my life right now, as it should be. I'm happy being that, do not get me wrong. I'd change nothing. Sometimes though, I ache for a coffee date, a weekend lunch, or to see a show with a few friends. A shopping trip without having to corrall two little boys when they spend too long in the toy section, or being rushed out by Will.
Then I feel guilty for even that want. Sigh.

There's nothing that will come of this aside from getting my thoughts out where no one is terribly likely to read them. I guess it's a stress excercise, an airing of frustrations. Like burning a scathing letter you write yourself or someone else rather than sending it. Because once it's out you're suppossed to feel better.